Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
