My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
