well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
