apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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