Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
