Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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