it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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