You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
