You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
