ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize