I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
