The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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