i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have already put on my inside pants.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
