Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
