are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
