I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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