so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
