k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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