I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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