Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
