im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
