Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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