No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
