My friends, they love my intelligence
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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