it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
