his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
