All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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