I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
