So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
