he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize