The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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