why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
