Already got asked if we're dating
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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