And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
