Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
