there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
