So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
