Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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