So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
