I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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