I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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