His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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