So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
