No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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