there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
