I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I can text with my tongue
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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