if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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