I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
