Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
