I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
