Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize