I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
