I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
