do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I believe in your delicious
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
