I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
