Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
