I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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