shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
